Celebrate Your Self!

Flowers and chocolate are just lovely on Valentine’s Day if you have a Valentine. If you don't, it can be just down right depressing. Lauren Mackler, coach, psychotherapist & best-selling author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life," was recently interviewed on FOX about Valentine's Day as an opportunity to celebrate your relationship with your self.

WANT GREATER WHOLENESS?

SOLEMATE WEEKEND WORKSHOP!3/16-18, 2012 at Kripalu Lenox, MA

Are you ready to gain mastery over your own life? Many people spend years waiting for a “soul mate” to make them feel complete. Others settle for difficult or unfulfilling or relationships out of fear of being alone. Instead of depending on someone else to make you whole, this workshop takes you on a life-changing journey to greater self-mastery, empowerment, and well-being—whether you’re living your life on your own or in a relationship. For more info or to register, click here.

Be Healthy Boston Interview

I was interviewed recently by Abigail Hueber on the topic of wellness and the upcoming Be Healthy Boston conference, where I'll be speaking January 28, 2012. AB: How do you define “wellness”?

LM: I define it as living in alignment with your authentic self. Living life based on fear, others’ expectations, or pain produces mental and emotional imbalance. Not only does this deplete our precious life energy, but over time it can lead to physical problems and even life-threatening illness…To read the entire interview, click here.

College Prep 101

Lauren Mackler, coach and bestselling author of “Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life,” has advice for people gearing up for returning to school this fall. “It’s not unusual for people to feel apprehensive, nervous or even fearful about the start of a new school year,” she said. “Returning to school involves meeting new people, gaining new knowledge and skills, and perhaps even a new school and academic environment.” Mackler said students need to exude confidence and feel like they can do it. “If you are walking around fearful, you give off insecure kind of energy that is not compelling to people,” she said...To read the entire article in the Boston Herald, click here.

Get into Your Uncomfy Zone

Facing the great unknown? Here's some help. Many of us never leave our comfort zones unless we're forced to. So when we're confronted with a major change in life, our routine is broken and we're plunged into unknown waters. However, such upheavals can result in unexpected positive outcomes. "By going outside your comfort zone, you're gaining new experiences, meeting new people, gaining new knowledge and skills, and strengthening different parts of yourself," says Lauren Mackler, life coach and author of Solemate (Hay House)... To read the entire article on Body + Soul, click here.

Demystifying Sex Addiction

It’s disheartening to me that so many people fail to view sex addiction as a SYMPTOM of much deeper issues. All addictions are misguided attempts to manage “pain” (self-loathing, anxiety, anger, etc.). Unless you address the roots of people’s pain, treatment won’t be effective. To read my interview with CNN about Anthony Weiner and sex addiction, click here.

The Psychology of Success

Lauren Mackler's Interview with Doug Tribou for NPR NPR: How do you define success and what do you tell clients trying to define success in their own lives?

LM: Success is subjective so it’s defined and experienced by people in different ways. It might be a certain amount of money or prestige, a large circle of friends, or a fulfilling personal life or career. I define success as being able to activate your strengths to produce the results you want to achieve.

NPR: What kind of advice would you give to someone near the top of his or her profession, but who can’t quite achieve that ultimate goal?

LM: Over the 20 some years I’ve spent coaching many types of clients, I've found that the two biggest barriers that hold people back are what I call their core limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors. When we’re born, we’re whole, integrated human beings with tremendous potential. In response to our life conditioning, we adopt thought and behavior patterns that often diminish our strengths and potential as adults.

For example, someone may be a gifted athlete, but a life-long, ingrained belief that he’s never quite good enough can keep him from reaching the top of his game. He’ll be distracted by a fear of failing, which then creates stress and makes it difficult to stay focused on his goals. To override those barriers, you have to become aware of how you think and behave on autopilot, and start aligning your thoughts and behaviors with the results you’re trying to achieve.        

NPR: How do repeated “close-calls” with success impact the people falling short time and again?

LM: It depends on the type of person. The people who ultimately reach their goals are those who don’t give up. Instead of wallowing in self-pity or frustration—or throwing in the towel altogether—they explore what didn’t work and course-correct. It is human nature to feel upset or frustrated when we fall short, but the path to success more often than not involves making mistakes along the way and learning from them. If someone feels like they’ve failed, I encourage them to reframe the situation as an opportunity to learn about what doesn’t produce the outcome they want. Instead of giving up, brainstorm what might be a more effective approach and then implement the new strategy. To view Lauren's "Critical Factors of Success" video, click here.

WANT TO USE THIS INTERVIEW IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, host of the LIFE KEYS radio show, and author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. www.laurenmackler.com

Interview with Preview Your Life

Interview with Solemate author Lauren Mackler on PreviewYourLife.com PYL: Do you use visualization, meditation or other techniques in mastering the art of aloneness and if so, please explain?

LM: When I attended my first personal-development workshop in 1982, I was introduced to visualization and affirmations. For years, I tried unsuccessfully to use visualization and affirmations to change myself and my life. What I ultimately figured out is that while these are powerful tools, it’s not enough to simply visualize a future state or say an affirmation to achieve transformation. It was only when I became aware of my self-defeating behaviors and the core limiting beliefs that were driving them—and implemented an action plan to develop new, self-supporting beliefs and behaviors—that I was finally able to achieve and sustain the personal transformation I wanted.

Another technique you mentioned that I have found tremendously valuable is meditation. Not only does it have many health benefits, but it’s great for reducing stress and keeping things in perspective.

PYL: What is your favourite quote and why?

LM: “Be the change you want to see in the world,” by Mahatma Gandhi. I love this quote because it speaks to a profound truth. Can you imagine what our world would be like if everyone adopted this as a way of living? We’re such creative beings that the world would be dramatically improved very quickly!

PYL: How important is knowing where you want to go to achieving it (co-creating), or do you believe in letting life lead you?

LM: I often say that where you focus is where you go. Most people go through their lives on autopilot, acting without thinking about the results of their actions, or the role they play in creating their lives. In Solemate, I have a chapter titled, Living Deliberately. This means living consciously in every moment so you can align your actions and choices with the life and experiences you want to have.

PYL: What is the #1 question people ask you and what is your response?

LM: People always ask me what inspired me to write Solemate. I married at 23 and built my life around my husband. I moved to his country, worked as a therapist in his business, and let him handle all our finances. So when my marriage fell apart, my life, job, and financial security collapsed right along with it. After hitting bottom, I sold everything I owned and returned with my children to the U.S. I was emotionally devastated and terrified, with no means to provide for myself or my children.

I knew I had to find a way out of my emotional and financial abyss. I created a “self-renewal program” for myself, comprised of daily activities and action steps that, over time, not only changed my life, but changed me. When I realized that my program could help others, I turned it into the Mastering the Art of Aloneness workshop, which I’ve been teaching at Kripalu, Omega, and other centers for several years. Eventually, someone suggested turning the workshop into a book, which became Solemate.

PYL: What is the question you wish people would ask you and your response?

LM: I often have clients in my coaching practice who are unhappily single. In the initial session, they typically express how lonely they feel and ask me how they can find a mate. My answer is always that instead of looking to someone else to transform your life—that special person who will make you feel happy and whole—it makes more sense to focus on making yourself whole. The question isn’t, “How do I find my soul mate so I can have the life I want?” The better question is: “What do I need to do to create the life I want for myself?” That way, instead of waiting for someone to make your live happen, you’re busy making your life happen. Not only will it make for a joyful and fulfilling life on your own, but if you do engage in a committed relationship or marriage, you’re coming into it from a place of wholeness, versus from a place of lack.

WANT TO USE THIS INTERVIEW IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE?

You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, host of the Life Keys radio show, and author of the international bestseller Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

How to Manage Your Boss

10 pieces of advice your boss won't tell you!By Woman’s Day

Follow her lead. If you’re not sure whether your boss prefers to communicate in a meeting or via email or phone, ask, suggests career and executive coach Lauren Mackler. Also ask what she wants to be consulted on and what she prefers you handle on your own. And take cues from her personality, says Mackler: If your boss is introverted, don’t keep pushing for face-to-face time.   Toot your own horn. Your boss can’t possibly keep tabs on what every employee is doing every day—it’s up to you to let him know! “When you wrap up a project, send a congratulatory email to your team and CC your boss,” suggests Mackler. You might also send him a monthly overview of the projects you’ve completed and other accomplishments, and have these month-to-month emails on hand at your annual performance review. And speaking of performance reviews…click here to read the entire article.

Interview with The Best of You Today

Can You Be Happy Alone?

Written by the Best of You Today   

The Best of You Today was given the unique opportunity to speak with Lauren Mackler about love, life, and the imporatnce of uncovering your true, authentic self. The conversation reminded us that true happiness and contentment lies no further than our own hearts.

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, keynote speaker, bestselling author, and host of the weekly Life Keys radio show on Contact Talk Radio. She has risen to international prominence by developing Illumineering^™, a groundbreaking coaching method that integrates family systems work, psychodynamic psychology, and coaching to help people free themselves from the shackles of their life conditioning, and create the personal and professional lives to which they aspire.

BOYT: What was your inspiration to write Solemate?

 LM: I married at 23 and built my life, career, financial security and emotional well-being on my husband and his life. I moved to his country, worked as a therapist in his business, and let him handle all of our finances. As a result, when my marriage deteriorated 13 years later, my life, career, security and self-esteem collapsed right along with the marriage. After hitting bottom, I sold everything I owned to pay for flight tickets and returned with my children to the U.S. in 1995. I was emotionally devastated, penniless and terrified, with no means to provide for myself or my children.

Stuck in a small town with limited resources, I realized I had to find a way to climb out of my emotional and financial abyss. I created a “self-renewal program” for myself, comprised of specific daily activities, goals and action steps that, over time, not only changed my life, but changed me. When I realized that my program could help others, I turned it into a workshop called Mastering the Art of Aloneness, which I’ve been teaching at Kripalu, Omega, and other centers since 1998. A couple of years ago someone suggested that I turn the workshop into a book. Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life was released in 2009 and the new paperback edition was just released on April 15 of this year.

 BOYT: You offer a suggestion in your book to “become the partner you seek.” Can you explain this philosophy?

LM: Many people spend years waiting for an ideal partner – a “soul mate” to make them feel complete. The problem with waiting for Prince or Princess Charming is, all too often, people sabotage their own lives by living in a kind of limbo. I’ve had coaching clients who put their lives on hold, waiting for a man or woman to complete their life picture. They might hold off on buying a house, delay plans for an advanced degree, or turn down job promotions. They spend their leisure time watching television, hiding out at home, and staying in their comfort zone instead of actively developing their interests, pursuing their passions, and fully engaging in life.

Instead of pursuing an ideal partner, "Solemate" provides a pathway for readers to become the ideal partner they seek. My premise is that instead of looking to someone else to transform your life – that special person who will make you whole – it makes more sense to focus on making yourself whole. The question isn’t, “How do I find my soul mate so I can have the life I want?” The better question is: “What do I need to do to create the life I want for myself?”

BOYT: A struggle for many women is maintaining a strong sense of “self” while in a relationship or marriage. Why do women lose themselves while in a relationship and often end up feeling unfulfilled at the end of the day?

LM: When we’re born, we are whole, integrated human beings with tremendous potential. Growing up, we respond to our life conditioning by adopting habitual thought and behavior patterns, many of which erode our innate wholeness. One part of our innate wholeness that’s often diminished growing up is our self esteem. In an attempt to feel a sense of worthiness, people with low self esteem often become habitual “people-pleasers.” They make others’ needs more important than their own and say or do what they think others want or expect. When you always make others’ needs more important than your own, you’re not free to pursue your own interests or meet your own needs. Not only does this leave women unfulfilled, but it often leads to feelings of anger, resentment or depression. It also causes a lot of stress, which, over time, can compromise your immune system and make you more susceptible to life-threatening illnesses.   

BOYT: What are steps that women can take to identify their true passions and purpose?

LM: Pay attention to what you pay attention to. Notice what captures your interests, the books you like to read, the activities you enjoy, and the tasks or projects that truly engage you. One of the types of coaching I do is career coaching to help people find the work that’s best aligned with who they are and the contribution they want to make in the world. An assignment I have clients do is something I call the “Soap Box Exercise.” I have them write a narrative about three topics or issues about which they have very strong opinions or feelings. This is a powerful exercise to help you uncover your greatest passions. More often than not, by the end of the program the new career, position or business we’ve identified as their new objective relates in some way to the issues they wrote about in their Soap Box narrative.  

BOYT: As mothers, what advice can we offer our daughters?

LM: Find out who you really are and honor who you are in every moment and in every choice or decision that you make. This is the path of least resistance and makes life a lot smoother and fulfilling. Living a life that’s not aligned with your innate personality traits, strengths, passions and values is painful and creates a lot of inner and outer conflict.

It’s also very important to achieve self-sufficiency before entering into a committed partnership or marriage. Being emotionally or financially dependent on someone else is a risky proposition, because if that person dies or you end up divorced, you lose your emotional or financial wellbeing right along with your partner.

BOYT: Our feeling is that a woman’s girlfriends are her lifeline. “Solemate” highlights the importance of building a strong inner and outer support system. In your opinion, how important is it that women nourish their female friendships?

LM: Women and men are inherently different and both genders have their own unique strengths and gifts. Although there are many exceptions to this, women tend to be more feeling-oriented by their nature and are thus more comfortable expressing their emotions than men. In general, women have a greater need to connect emotionally than men, so having good women friends with whom you can share this connection is an important part of developing a strong outer support system. Many women try to get their emotional needs met by their mates, which is often a source of frustration when those needs aren’t met. 

BOYT: What part do you feel society plays in the “fairytale” notion that women need to be married and have a family to be considered complete?

LM: Most people still believe that marriage is the ideal lifestyle, and we’re barraged by media messages reinforcing this notion. In television commercials, most adults wear wedding rings. In TV ads for nighttime cold medicines, couples are typically shown in a double bed, while in ads for sleep aids, singles are shown struggling alone to find their way to sleep. And in the Sex and the City TV series, a show devoted to the subject of four strong, independent females living on their own in New York, the final season ends with four romantic couplings.

Romance sells. It’s fun. And sharing a loving relationship is wonderful. What’s troubling, though, is the pervasive message that a romantic relationship is a cure for whatever ails you. Of course, many people don’t have to look beyond their immediate families to get that message. Many of my clients complain that they’re pressured by their parents to find a mate, marry and have children. Once they hit their 30s, people who remain single often experience feelings of abandonment, sadness, low self-worth and shame as their single friends dwindle in number. They feel increasingly surrounded by married couples – many of whom, they find, no longer extend invitations to them simply because they don’t have partners. It’s not surprising that many people who are alone feel bad about it.

BOYT: We often hear that women give so much of themselves to others and don’t feel they deserve to give the same time, love and energy to themselves. How can women begin to nourish their own spirit?

LM: By consciously developing what I call your Inner Nurturing Parent. This technique is one of the cornerstones of mastering the art of aloneness and transforms people’s lives. With it comes the ability to love yourself, to nurture yourself, and to create joyful relationships – starting with your relationship with yourself.

Many people don’t treat themselves very well. They break promises to themselves, eat poorly, are self-critical or engage in unsupportive relationships. In fact, if most people treated others the way they treat themselves, they wouldn’t have many friends! To begin treating yourself better, instead of judging yourself, send loving messages to yourself like, “I love and appreciate who you are.” When you do something well, pat yourself on the back and say out loud, “Great job! I’m so proud of you.” Get in the habit of doing nice things for yourself. Make a cup of tea with the nurturing energy you’d have when preparing tea for someone you love. Make your bed everyday. Buy yourself flowers or treat yourself to a massage or candlelit dinner. Your relationship with yourself is like any other; the more you feed and nourish it, the better it will be.

BOYT: What was your “aha” moment when you recognized the importance of finding the love you seek within yourself?

LM: When I realized that I was the one person I can never get away from – the only person who has been with me since birth and will be with me 24/7 until the day I die!

BOYT: Can you tell us something about you that would surprise our readers?

LM: I was very rebellious in my youth and ran away from home and hitchhiked to Florida from Boston when I was fourteen years old. Another thing that many people don’t know is that I’m an avid music lover. In my first career I was a professional singer in the female trio Tuxedo Junction. 

What Causes Extreme Domestic Violence?

What causes extreme cases of domestic violence? I recently talked with FOX reporter Maria Stephanos about some of the contributing factors, and the importance of seeking help before it's too late.

Separate Bedrooms: Friend or Foe?

BOSTON HERALD, by LAUREN BECKHAM FALCONE

Sometimes a couples retreat is better spent alone.

Separate bedrooms are becoming an oasis for co-habitators, and not in the way you'd expect. More and more couples are hitting the hay alone, not because of a bad relationship but for the chance to get some shut-eye without snoring spouses or a significant other who watches TV until they fall asleep.

Nearly one in four American couples sleep solo, according to a 2005 National Sleep Foundation survey. The National Association of Home Builders predicts some 60 percent of custom homes will have dual master bedrooms come 2015.

"We call it the Ricky and Lucy treatment,'' said Ken Dietz of Dietz & Associates, an interior design firm in Jamaica Plain. "It usually starts out with the client requesting that we redesign the guest room and eventually admitting that one of them use it more often,'' he said.

Why the secrecy?

"People feel funny about it,'' Dietz said.

They shouldn't. Sleeping in separate bedrooms doesn't mean a relationship is on the rocks. Dietz said master bedrooms are becoming like hotel suites. With TVs, couches, computers and more, they're no longer just a place to sleep and snuggle.

"Someone's up and someone's trying to sleep,'' he said. "That's not good.''

Lauren Mackler, psychotherapist and best-selling author of  "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life,'' agrees.

"Separate bedrooms alone can't make or break a marriage, but the underlying issues can,'' she said. "If a person has difficulty sleeping and sleeps in another room so as not to disturb their partner or spouse, that can actually preserve the relationship. If a couple is going through a crisis and are fighting, temporarily sleeping in separate bedrooms can be beneficial in defusing emotions and having more productive and respectful communication.''

But Mackler warned that separate bedrooms shouldn't be used as a weapon.

"If issues such as emotional alienation, infidelity, or avoidance of sexual intimacy are driving the need for separate bedrooms, then sleeping separately can exacerbate alienation and the deterioration of the relationship,'' she said.

Susan Schenck, author of  "The Live Food Factor,'' has no qualms about sleeping in separate quarters.

"My husband and I have been together for 16 years, and 15 of those years we have slept in separate bedrooms,'' she said. "One night I was tossing and turning, and since he had to get up early for work, he told me to go to the next room. I slept so much better that I stayed there! We continue to have separate bedrooms, even when traveling if possible, for three reasons: He snores, I toss and turn and we go to bed at vastly different times. I go to bed around 10 and he goes to bed around 2. If he came into bed late, he would wake me up.''

Another woman, who asked not to be named, isn't quite as upfront.

"We sleep in separate bedrooms and we have kept it a secret from our friends and family,'' she said. "Because when you mention it to anyone, they automatically sense `trouble.'  We have been happily married for 34 years, and took to separate bedrooms four years ago. He snores and wakes me up and he says I snore and wake him up. Within a year of sleeping in separate rooms we have come up with more romantic dates than you can imagine. For us, separate rooms has led us to a better relationship and a very happy marriage.''

Plastic Surgery and Relationships

The Impact of Plastic Surgery on Relationships - Lauren's quotes in the New York Daily News. To read the full article, click here.

Healthy Boundaries in a Committed Relationship

Lauren's interview with Quality Health about healthy boundaries in a committed relationship. To read the article, click below. Healthy Boundaries in Committed Relationship

Emotional Affairs - New York Daily News

Lauren's interview with Rosemary Black about the dangers of emotional affairs in the New York Daily News. To read the article, click below. Emotional Affairs NewYork Daily News

Work Matters: Interview on Web Talk Radio

Lauren is interviewed by Nan Russell on Web Talk Radio about how your relationship with yourself affects your professional life. To listen, click below. Work Matters Interview