Lauren's interview with Quality Health about healthy boundaries in a committed relationship. To read the article, click below. Healthy Boundaries in Committed Relationship
Emotional Affairs - New York Daily News
Lauren's interview with Rosemary Black about the dangers of emotional affairs in the New York Daily News. To read the article, click below. Emotional Affairs NewYork Daily News
Lauren's Interview - Job Hunting on the Sly
Job-hunting and interviewing for new positions while still employed full-time can be tricky. But in the increasingly competitive job market today, it's more common for employees to be constantly on the lookout for a more promising offer.
The sensitivity of job-hunting while employed--and keeping the process under wraps--varies from industry to industry. Dr. Robert Trumble, professor of management and director of the Virginia Labor Studies Center at Virginia Commonwealth University, says that it can also depend on the corporate culture. "In some, it could be the kiss of death," he says, while other fields such as the tech industry, where talent is at a premium and individual skills are highly appreciated, fielding outside offers is expected.
Lauren Mackler, a career and life coach and author of Solemate, frequently advises clients about how to best seek out new opportunities while holding a full-time job. Here are her top tips:
"To minimize risk of losing your current job control to whom and how your resume and cover letter are circulated," she says. Mackler advises against posting your resume publicly on job sites, as it makes it more likely that it will be spotted by your current employer. "When you do submit your resume let people know you're doing so confidentially, as you're still currently employed," she continues. Instead of letting a friend or a colleague submit your resume to a hiring manager or an inside company contact, request the person's contact information and submit your resume and cover letter yourself and use the person's name who referred you, Mackler suggests.
On the topic of confidentiality, Mackler adds that any contact information listed on your resume should be personal--personal e-mail, personal cell numbers, etc., and you should never include any contact information that's linked to your current employer. Running the risk of being contacted at work is bad form, she counsels.
Once your resume has made it through the preliminary screening, Mackler suggests you don't jump at any interview opportunity thrown your way. "Only take time off from your job to interview for positions in which you're seriously interested. The minute you start interviewing for a new job you're putting your current employment at risk," she cautions. The corporate arena can be a small world, and news could get back to your supervisor's office before you do.
Job hunting on the sly can involve the panicked closing of browser windows to keep your resume and applications from the eyes of supervisors, but in some instances, getting caught can work to your advantage. Ashley Campbell, then a mid-level producer at an ad agency in Boston, found herself in an awkward situation that turned out surprisingly well. "I had my boss on a project looking over my shoulder at something, I was clicking out of windows to get to a website build I was showing her, and boom! There was my resume." Click here to read the entire article by Meghan Casserly on Forbes.com.
Is it wise to fall in love with someone struggling to love himself: Lauren’s interview in London’s Daily Mail
Read this article by Anna Moore on DailyMail.com.
Even the most cynical would wish David Walliams and his fiancée, Dutch model Lara Stone, the best. On the surface, they seem set for a fairy-tale finish. Walliams, 38, first spied Stone, 26, last March at a Chelsea football match. He pursued and wooed her, sending flowers by the house-full. After a whirlwind courtship, he proposed in
January, popping a vintage Tiffany ring into her cheeseburger. A summer wedding is expected. So far, so fairy tale.
But the bigger picture is rather darker. Just a month before meeting Stone, Walliams gave a glimpse into his psyche when he was the castaway on Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs. Under probing from host Kirsty Young, he confessed to extreme ‘self-loathing’ and a ‘pathological fear’ of being alone. ‘I hate it,’ he said. ‘When I’m with my own thoughts, I start to unravel and think really dark thoughts, self-destructive thoughts.’
To avoid this, Walliams, a familiar face on the party circuit, would go out every night, surrounding himself with people. ‘If somebody said to me, “You have to spend a weekend on your own”, I wouldn’t be able to hack it,’ he admitted. Stranded on that make-believe desert island, he chose as his ‘luxury’ a gun to shoot himself with rather than be lonely.
‘I wouldn’t be able to hack a weekend on my own,’ says Walliams. ‘I’d hate it. I’d start to unravel’
Many of us are uncomfortable on our own. One American survey found that a quarter of all adults experience painful loneliness at least every few weeks. Lauren Mackler, life coach and author of international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life, says, ‘We fear it. The very word “alone” is seen as sad and negative. It starts in childhood, as parents organise play dates for their toddlers and after-school activities for their children. If a child is happily occupied on his own, parents worry. At school, we want to be part of the crowd. As adults, we measure people by their partners and friends. We’re constantly told to work on our relationships with others – but never on our relationship with ourselves.’
However, Walliams’s own fear of being alone sounds rather more extreme – he himself describes it as ‘pathological’. Now a recognised medical condition known as ‘monophobia’ or ‘isolophobia’, it can have sufferers clinging to their partners when they leave for work, and obsessively needing company... Click here to read more.
How to Build a Better Date for Singles and Couples: Lauren on QualityHealth.com
Read this article on QualityHealth.com. How to Build a Better Date: For Singles and Couples By Rosemary Black
The time is set, the meeting place arranged. The mirror confirms that your hair and outfit look great. Then what's with the butterflies in your stomach? The perfect date is well within your grasp, experts say, whether you're single or married. You just need to keep a few pointers in mind.
For Singles
If this is your first date, be aware that the guy or girl in question will draw certain conclusions about you within the first 30 seconds of meeting. "And a lot of this first impression will be based on appearance," says Lauren Mackler, coach, speaker and author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. "If you want to be perceived as successful, make an effort to dress that way."
Don't give away too much information about yourself too quickly. "Be honest, but be mindful and discerning about what is right and not right to share," Mackler advises. "Topics that are not acceptable on a first or second date include your financial situation as well as issues of low self-esteem that you are working on through therapy."
Keep in mind that, like it or not, you're sending certain messages to your date just by your actions. Say you're a guy and the check comes at the end of a restaurant dinner. You pick it up and start to pay, and your date doesn't even offer to split it. This is important information, Mackler says, to file away in your mind. "And if the guy picks up the tab and asks if you want to split it, just keep this in mind, too," Mackler says.
During the evening, notice small things, such as how much time your date is spending talking about himself or herself. Ask questions of your date, and don't just talk about yourself. Expect the other person to do the same. "If your date does not reciprocate by asking you questions about yourself, that is a red flag," ... Click here to read the entire article.
6 Reasons Why You Can't Leave a Loser: Lauren’s quotes on LifeScript.com
Read this article on LifeScript.com 6 Reasons Why You Can't Leave a Loser by Norine Dworkin-McDaniel
You know he’s not Mr. Right. He’s not even Mr. Right Now. So why can’t a smart woman like you ditch the loser? Read on to find out. Plus, rate your relationship with our quiz…
I was in college when an older man asked me out. We went to a concert (nice), then back to his place (predictable). By morning, I knew the relationship was a non-starter.
But his attention was flattering and I was between boyfriends. Before I knew it, my one-night stand turned into a year-long relationship. He even talked of marriage.
Right then, I should have cut and run. But I’d grown used to his loud, obnoxious behavior. And at least I had a date on Saturday nights.
I didn’t get my complacent butt out of there until he raised his hand to smack me during a disagreement. Though his hand never connected, that near-slap was just the push I needed.
Any sign of abuse (physical or emotional) is an obvious relationship deal-breaker. And the same goes for addictions of any stripe (drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling). But even without such problems, we often find ourselves spinning our wheels in dead-end relationships.
According to relationship experts, here are the 6 most common reasons we stay with men we’re just not that into:
1. My family made me do it. Blaming your issues on Mom, Dad, your siblings or the dog can get a little tired. But persistently picking Mr. Wrong does have a lot to do with your upbringing, therapists say.
“What happens in the family shapes how we see ourselves in the world, our core beliefs and our behaviors,” says life/relationship coach Lauren Mackler, author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life (Hay House). “Then we take those behavior patterns into adulthood... Click here to read the entire article.
Women’s attraction may lie in immune system DNA
Read this article, Women's attraction may lie in immune sytem DNA on m24Salud. Researchers from the University of Western Australia made a DNA study with 150 college students and they found that ‘the secrets of attraction are hidden in immune system genes that we inherit from our parents’.
Scientists can not ensure ‘why the strength of the immune system influences the women success in relationships’.
Furthermore they said that neither can fully explain “the relationship between the sweat, and the irresistible genes, but there is a clear possibility that there are clues in the genetic constitution of the women immune system’.
The more varied a woman’s histocompatibility, or MHC, genes are, the more attractive she appears to the opposite sex.
Another theory is that women with varied MHC genes could be more outgoing.
“It is possible that MHC-diverse women have more sexual partners because they actively seek more partners, rather than because males prefer diverse partners,” wrote the researchers.
Relationship expert Lauren Mackler says parents may affect how successful a woman is at finding a boyfriend – but not necessarily because of genetics.
“We are invariably attracted to people based on how familiar that person is to us from childhood,” says Mackler, author of “SoleMate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life.”
“As human beings, we are always seeking homeostasis, or balance, and looking for the parts of us that got lost as we grew up and had to adapt to the family system. So we’re attracted unconsciously to the people who embody these traits. We are looking for our other half and may not always find him.”
Lauren in NY Daily News on Tiger Woods sex addiction treatment
Read this article by Rosemary Black on New York Daily News.
Overcoming sex addiction is frequently a long, painful struggle that can detour into relapse and not infrequently end with the implosion of a marriage, experts say.
In Tiger Woods’ case, the fact that he has signed in to intensive inpatient therapy means he’s committed to getting better, but the healing process won’t be anywhere close to finished by the time he leaves the Mississippi facility where he’s reportedly staying.
Inpatient sex addiction rehab, says Leslie Seppinni, Ph. D., is often an intense several weeks or months during which the person tries to learn alternative strategies for dealing with stress through therapy and journaling.
“It can be incredibly helpful and life-changing,” Seppinni says. “When you are dealing with the fallout from your behavior, intensive inpatient therapy can help you get the coaching strategies you need so you can go back into the world, having gotten to the core of some of your emotional problems.”
Outpatient treatment is still needed, she says, and relapse is common.
“There is a high percentage of people who relapse,” Seppinni says. “Every once in a while, the addiction rears its ugly head again. People expect some relapse.”
Some experts question whether sex addiction is even a real disorder, and it may not be listed in the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s widely-used Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Sex addiction is real, but Tiger Woods doesn’t have it, according to Danine Manette, author of “Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity.”
“Tiger Woods is no different from Alex Rodriguez, Tom Brady or any other professional rich man who surrounds himself with unlimited women,” she says. “It’s horrible because he’s married and is now violating the commitment that he made to his wife. But it’s not sex addiction.”
True sex addicts experience personality changes, are unable to function in the outside world and may substitute pornography for contact with real people, she says. Intensive inpatient therapy may be appropriate for them, Manette says.
“But people like Tiger Woods go into treatment because they believe that if they show they are working on something, people will be willing to reinvest in them,” she says. “The reality is that Tiger has no self control.”
Still, proponents of sex addiction therapy say it can work - if it targets the person’s underlying issues and doesn’t focus on the addiction as a sickness that was present all along.
An addict always seeks relief from emotional pain, explains relationship expert Lauren Mackler, and if the treatment plan doesn’t include ways for the client to cope with that pain, it will be ineffective.
One of Mackler’s clients had been a sex addict for 11 years, she said, and had bought into the idea that “he was what he was,” she says. He felt that the best way he could manage his addiction was to have online sex rather than an actual sexual relationship, and had tried one therapy group after another.
He had not ever tried dealing with his emotional burden, which included a critical and demanding father, Mackler said. When he was able to work through childhood issues, that helped with his sexual issues.
Treatment for sex addiction, Mackler says, is usually sought by a person only when he is caught.
Valentine’s Day, Not Just for Romance Anymore: Girls Night Ideas for February 14: Examiner.com
Read this article on Examiner.com by Jordan Salvatoriello
Ahh, Valentine’s Day. It can be the bee’s knees for star-crossed sweethearts, a qualmy conundrum for the newly twitterpated, or a day of dread for the singleton Scrooge. But, be careful Miss Lonely Heart, stare long enough into that abyss and the abyss stares back at you (xoxo, Nietzsche). So trash your “anti” Valentine’s Day notions, and let Hallmark know who’s boss by seizing the holiday and making it your own. After all, there is plenty of love in your life, no? Buy your own damn box of chocolates, gather your team around you, and celebrate the annual day of love with those that have given so much of it to you. Here are some ideas and local events to consider, so start planning now!
- Host a “self-celebration” Valentine’s Day potluck: Forgo the pity party, and celebrate yourself instead. Potlucks are easy to organize and a great way to unify a group of friends over a communal experience. “Ask each guest to bring their own favorite food dish and a wrapped gift to give to themselves,” said Lauren Mackler, author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Go on. Be good... Click here to read the entire article.
Trouble Pleasing Your Partner? Lauren on QualityHealth.com
Read this article on QualityHealth.com.
Trouble Pleasing Your Partner? By Rosemary Black
It's an all-too-common scenario: A spouse feels overworked, underappreciated and overwhelmed with a job, household and kids to care for. Resentment and exhaustion take their toll, and she feels less and less like having sex. With a busy life, there just isn't time for everything, let alone having an all night lovefest.
The problem can snowball into a relationship-wrecking issue. "The wife feels bad about herself," says Lauren Mackler, psychotherapist and the author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. "The man feels that he is not appreciated for what he is doing, and he just gets flack if he comes home too late or works too many hours. He feels... Click here to read entire article.
Lauren's Interview in Philadelphia Daily News
Read this article on Philadelphia Daily News. When not to go down the aisle By Jenice Armstrong
ELIZABETH and John Edwards are splitsville, while former aide Andrew Young and his wife are out promoting their new book about their dealings with the former presidential candidate.
Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, may not be completely finished with her scandal-scarred marriage, despite all of Woods' philandering.
I tell myself not to feel silly way too much about this madness because there are things you can learn about life just by watching the foibles of the rich and famous.
Here's an example of a lesson snatched straight from the pages of Jenny Sanford's don't-let-this-happen-to-you handbook: When your instinct warns you that you're about to make a serious mistake in terms of your choice of a romantic partner, run. (It should be common sense, but judging from the divorce rate, it's not.)
The soon-to-be-ex-wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford got an early warning of how rocky her marriage was going to be when her soon-to-be-hubby balked over promising to be faithful during his wedding vows. That should have been clue No. 1, and Jenny Sanford should have stopped him right in his cheater-cheater tracks. But apparently she'd gotten herself all wrapped up in a white-tulle fantasy of walking down the aisle and married him anyway, making a "leap of faith" as she called it.
"It bothered me to some extent, but . . . we were very young, we were in love. I questioned it, but I got past it . . . along with other doubts that I had," Sanford told Barbara Walters in a "20/20" interview that airs Friday.
As you can attest, if you've ever sat through a wedding ceremony skeptical of the couple's long-term prospects, Jenny Sanford's blinders-on, "maybe-he'll-change-after-we're-married" response is typical. Once some people are altar-bound, get in their way and they'll plow you over faster than you can say, "I'm only looking out for what's best for you."
"Very often, what people do is they tell themselves a story and they believe what they want to believe," pointed out Lauren Mackler, author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life."
"They doubt themselves and then they start telling themselves, 'I'll change him.' Or they say, 'Once we're married, I'll have him. I've just got to get that ring on my finger... Click here to read the entire article.
Why Women Stay with Cheaters: Lauren on SheKnows.com
Read this article on LifeScript.com. Why Women Stay with Cheaters By Norine Dworkin-McDaniel
Stand by your cheating man or kick him to the curb? It's not a decision any woman wants to make, but that many have after their philandering mates were caught. This Lifescript exclusive digs deep to discover why so many wives choose to stick it out. Plus, will your guy cheat? Rate the risk...
They all do it: celebrities, politicians, even the hubby next door.
Sure, the names of the cheaters change: Think John Edwards, Kobe Bryant, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, John Ensign.
But the story’s the same: Husband cheats, gets caught. Wife grimaces, then bears it.
In fact, up to 75% of couples rocked by an affair stay together, according to research by Peggy Vaughan, author of Preventing Affairs: You Can Have a Monogamous Marriage, But Not by Just Assuming You're Immune (Dialog Press). That so many wronged spouses managed to turn the other cheek is admirable to some. But you can’t help wondering: Why didn’t they push their wandering mates out the door?
Lifescript talked to women and experts to find out why beleaguered wives choose to stand by their men. Here’s what they told us... Click here to read the entire article.
7 Signs You're Headed for Divorce on SheKnows.com
Although being paranoid about your relationship with your husband is probably not a good thing, if the signs are there and you confront them, there's a chance you might be able to save your marriage before it's too late. So what are the signs? Read this article on SheKnows.com. They turned to experts to uncover what you should watch out for. These are the signs you might be headed for divorce.
Click here to read the entire article.
How to save your marriage: Lauren on SheKnows.com
If you want your marriage to survive, effort is required on both sides. Not sure where to start? Read this article on SheKnows.com. Five relationship gurus provide five must-know tips on how to save a failing marriage.
Click here to read the article.
Hay House Interview with Lauren Mackler
1. There are a multitude of self-help books that address many of the same topics as Solemate. These include books for singles, and books about how to overcome fear, live a more fulfilling life, and build self-esteem. What makes Solemate different from the rest? Many self-help books targeted to singles are “how to” books for snaring the perfect mate. They reinforce the myth that happiness is found by searching outside yourself—instead of within yourself. Other self-help books focus on overcoming low self-esteem, fear, and loneliness, but fail to address their root causes—the limiting beliefs and behaviors we learn in childhood that drive our adults lives. And, while there are a few books that espouse the message that aloneness can be a positive experience, they don’t offer a clear roadmap for how to make it a reality. Click here to read more.
Drawing from my own experiences and those of my clients, as well as the fields of psychology, physiology, sociology, holistic healing, and strategic business practices, I’ve developed a unique program that helps people move beyond the limitations that spring from their early conditioning and begin to live in alignment with what I call the “authentic self”—the person they were born to be. And, unlike other personal development books that are purely theoretical, Solemate includes quizzes, exercises, and guided journaling that help readers understand where their self-defeating patterns come from ...
The Vampire Attraction: Read Lauren's quote on Sheknows.com
By Brie Gatchalian Everyone has gone gaga for Edward Cullen. Is it the charming good looks of the Robert Pattinson, who plays the character in the hit book-turned-movie Twilight? Perhaps, but experts have another theory: the vampire attraction. Surely, you know the tale of Dracula -- even he had special powers with the ladies (and he wasn't even that cute). So maybe theorists are onto something.
So what's with the vampire attraction? Here are four reasons that may explain why women are into these dangerous men...
Unbridled Emotions
Lauren Mackler, author of international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life, points out that vampires represent and embody the parts of people that are often submerged, especially in women, like unbridled emotion, sensuality and sexuality. From forbidden pleasures to rebellious behavior, some women can't help themselves. "In the unconscious quest for wholeness and reclamation of our ‘lost parts,' [some women] are attracted to people (vampires) who embody what we are missing,"Mackler explains. "Another driver of this attraction is women's biological imperative for men to take command of their natural male energy and power (think cavemen).”
The best relationship ever: love yourself and be healthy - interview on Examiner.com
Eleven and a half percent of people over 15 in Florida are divorced; data released by Miami Dade County reveals that divorce rates have slightly lowered in 2009 but curiously, one recent argument to why divorce rates have declined in the United States explains that it may be because of the terrible economical situation. According to a study done by a Miami local news station, people don't want to get a divorce because of the struggles a split-up usually brings. "It is easier to stay married than to go through the difficulties of paying a lawyer, the court, and then having to divide everything you have," explains a 32 year old woman who is currently having conflicts with her husband. "We even live in the same house and sleep in separate rooms, we act like roommates." She adds.
Lauren Mackler, a national known life coach, calls this one situation "extremely unhealthy", and explains that in general, divorce and separation situations will continue as long as people don't learn how to treat themselves before getting involved as she explains in her latest book "Solemate". A healthy life starts with a relationship with yourself. "Living in an unhealthy relationship is not right, but it is starts when you don't seem to know how to be alone," explains Mackler. "Having a healthy relationship with you- like Lauren with Lauren- prevents bad relationships in the future." Mackler also describes in her book Solemate how to enjoy the art of being good to you. "Treating yourself as well as you treat other people is key. People tend to treat other people much better ...
Click here to read the entire article.
Happy to be home alone: DailyMail.com
Never one to toe the line, Simon Cowell recently explained why he had separated from Terri Seymour, his girlfriend of eight years. He ‘liked her so much’, he said; they were ‘incredibly close’. He hadn’t left Terri for ‘some other girl’. For Cowell, the crux of the problem had been those unwritten rules that are part and parcel of commitment. ‘I think just the fact that we were in a relationship, with the rules that are attached to that – or what we think are rules – caused problems,’ he explained. ‘Rules equal boredom. And I don’t like that.’
Cowell has consistently stated that he doesn’t want children – and he’s also ambivalent about playing the ‘partner’. At the end of a full day, he explained, he didn’t like coming home to someone who expected to hear all about it – maybe not a surprising stance for a born bachelor with a punishing work schedule. Now single again, he doesn’t have to.
But could Cowell actually be speaking for many of us – including a sizable bulk of the single women who are generally thought to be desperate, damaged, unlucky or on hold? Are an increasing number of us actually unable – or unwilling – to adapt our lives to fit ‘the rules’?
Lauren Mackler, psychotherapist and author of Solemate, which explores the ‘art of aloneness’, certainly thinks so. ‘The pervasive mindset is that the ultimate goal, the fairy-tale ending, is a melting, a merging of you, your spouse and your home,’ she says. ‘The reality is that more than 30 per cent of households are one-person occupancies, and that figure is growing all the time. More people than ever are choosing to live alone – whether consciously or unconsciously.
‘If marriage was our top priority, we’d all be married,’ she continues. ‘Instead, a considerable number of women are choosing not to go down that path, but living all sorts of other lifestyles – single and celibate, dating, or being in a relationship but maintaining separate homes. For certain women – especially those who’ve been through a marriage and then created an ideal life on their own – a full-on relationship simply carries too much compromise.’
Lauren's Interview in Parade.com
Loving Your Solo Status: Interview on Divine.ca
Being single isn’t always easy and sometimes has its less-fun moments. But embracing the positive aspects of being alone is imperative for a happier you. We spoke with Lauren Mackler, author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life, for steps on how to love yourself before anyone else.
Do an honest assessment of yourself. Mackler admits:“It’s painful to look at part of ourselves that aren’t working well.” However, it’s important to look at yourself and take stock of your life, from whether you are expressing all parts of yourself, to differentiating the relationships you want to have from the ones you actually have.
Take note of patterns that are holding you back. This is a matter of connecting the dots, looking into people as well as personal behaviours that may be hindering your chance at growth. One example that Mackler provides is that if ever you felt misunderstood growing up, you’re likely replicating ... Click here to read the entire interview.