I read recently that, "Someday your children will figure out who you are." For most responsible and loving parents that concept poses no threat. We believe that if our intentions are good, and we do our best to meet our kids' needs in childhood, they will treat us with love, respect, and care as adults.
But the reality can be a different scenario. Research by Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University professor and sociologist, revealed that one in four American adults are estranged from their families. This doesn't include those who haven't totally cut contact, but have only minimal interaction.
There are several reasons why adult children reduce parental contact, or fully estrange themselves from one or both parents. While estrangement is often a complex culmination of factors, below are three common reasons why adult children avoid or cut parental contact, and strategies that can be helpful in avoiding conflict or repairing an estrangement.
1) Negative Childhood Experiences. These include situations in which the adult child believes that he was physically or emotionally neglected, treated unfairly, or the victim of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. In these situations, it's critical for the parent to do an honest self-assessment of their past behavior, take full responsibility for their failings, validate their child's feelings, and genuinely express regret without defensiveness or trying to explain their side of the situation. Even if you don't agree or see things differently, empathizing with your child to understand how and why they feel as they do is an important first step on the path to repair or reconciliation.
2) Disparity of Values. People raised in the fifties, sixties, and seventies had very different messaging regarding family norms. The prevailing values were that children should respect and obey their parents, "be seen but not heard", and family needs were given priority over those of the individual.
By the 1980s, societal norms and parenting had changed significantly. Discipline was often viewed as an assault on a child's self-esteem, and the child's individual needs and wishes were given equal or higher priority than those of the family as a whole.
This fundamental difference can play a large part in the disparate expectations that cause conflict in parent and adult child relationships. For example, if you adhered to your parents' wish for you to call them several times a week, you may expect the same from your child.
Imposing your expectations onto your adult child, and complaining or guilting them when they don't comply, will only push them away. Respecting and accepting their needs and values will go a long way in reducing conflict, and in their being more inclined to include you in their life. It may not feel fair that you need to forego many of your expectations, but perceiving the parent-adult child relationship as one that is equitable is indeed one of the very expectations you need to drop.
Respecting and accepting your adult child for who she is, is a critical factor in fostering a harmonious relationship. This does not, however, include your adult child's disrespectful or abusive behavior, which should never be enabled or tolerated. It also doesn't mean having no boundaries or never saying no. Rather, it's simply choosing not to do something that doesn't work for you, versus trying to get your child to change or expecting them to make your needs a priority.
3) Others' Perceptions or Influences. For a variety of reasons, a child's partner or spouse may intentionally alienate their mate from her or his parents. They may have mental health issues, perceive their in-laws as a threat to their position of power, or view them as a competitor for their spouse's attention or love. Going to battle with your child's mate is a lose-lose proposition. Instead, respecting their needs and wishes, and accepting them for who they are will show them you're not a threat.
Treating the spouse with the same respect as you do your adult child will diminish conflict, and promote a more positive relationship. You don't have to actively engage with them, but a respectful and cordial demeanor will have a far better impact than holding an adversarial position, or resorting to a divide and conquer approach.